Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Randomize
