My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
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