I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
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