first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Randomize
