So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
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