i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Randomize
