Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Randomize
