you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
I just threw up on my dentist
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
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