so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
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