I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
