my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Randomize
