Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
If it makes you feel any better... I have a friend who found out her mom was in the video for 2 Live Crew's "Pop That Pussy"
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
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