Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Randomize
