I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
