someone get that fucking seahorse.
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
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