sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
Randomize
