There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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