I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
Randomize
