I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
Randomize
