I just heard a girl say "We can't go that way, it is a one way street." She was on foot...Nothing worse than girl from the midwest that move to NY to "live out their dream" -the dream of living in a rat and roach infested 200sqft for $2k a month, and get fucked by some recent Ithaca college frat grad...
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
Randomize
