Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
Randomize
