I Bought a bracelet with bible characters and a charm broke. the virgin mary one. Do you think it's a sign?
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
May the power of my ass compel you!!
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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