"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
you had me at cake vodka
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
Randomize
