I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
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