This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
Randomize