How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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