I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
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