You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Randomize
