What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
I licked your asshole in confidence.
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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