I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
Randomize
