can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
