So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
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