So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I'm getting married
To pizza
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize
