fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
