If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
