Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
3 st and 6 ave. One dollar pitchers. Look out world.
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize
