sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
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