you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
Why are your pants in the freezer?
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
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