I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Randomize
