All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
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