I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
Randomize
