I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
Randomize
