Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
