i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
