For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
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