Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
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