not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
We had sex on a dog bed..
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
Randomize
