I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
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