i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
im walking the streets of bville with a bag of cat food..looking for my car. i dont ever want to turn 21 again.
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
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