I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
Randomize
