the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Randomize
