just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
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