Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
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