The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
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