Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
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