hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize
