oh no, I think we did it in the 'front asshole'
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Randomize
