from now on my penis is your penis
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
