i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
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