even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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