Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
