elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
